[UMMN] Vol. 1, No. 19: Greetings from Bumblefuck, TN

Or: Your Playoff Update.

Season’s Greetings

I’d like to start this edition of our fine newsletter by wishing you all ‘Happy Holidays’! Things are getting a bit nasty out there, so I hope that you and your loved ones are getting through this latest surge happy and healthy. But I know it’s not easy. I just want you to know if you ever need anyone to talk to stay sane, I’m here for you.

And now on with the show…

A Championship for the Rest of Us

One of the beautiful things about fantasy football is that it scales remarkably well. If you want to consume every bit of fantasy news and constantly troll the waiver wire, you can do that. On the other hand, if you want to simply draft and make the occasional pickup just to maintain a full lineup, you can often be just as effective. There are a lot of different paths to success in fantasy football. But typically we define success in very specific terms: A fantasy championship.

Regardless of your degree of investment, fantasy football IS still an investment: Of time, emotion, and attention. That’s why it’s always bothered me how we define success. When the season is over it’s effectively the end of the line for at least half the league after we’ve given so much of ourselves, it’s traditional to simply say ‘tough break, better luck next year’ and be done with it. But I don’t feel that those that can’t pursue the championship are in any way ‘unworthy’, they simply fell short of one particular goal. But I believe that there’s honor in continuing to pursue greatness even when some goals are out of reach. Enter the Vargo Cup.

I founded this league in 2007 with my best friend Matt Vargo. In a lot of ways, Matt and I represent the two poles of the managerial spectrum that I outlined above. I spend way too much time listening to podcasts and reading fantasy news and am constantly trying to optimize. (Seriously, I’ve lapped the field multiple times with my player acquisitions (90) than the next closest manager (26)) Meanwhile, he drafts players he can root for, stays active but doesn’t overdo it, and watches the outcome and hopes for the best. He’s the platonic ideal of what you hope all your league’s managers are: Caring and engaged but doesn’t take it any more seriously than it should be taken.

But through the year’s there have been two absolute constants with the league. The first is Matt’s presence in the league. To be quite honest, the moment Matt ever says ‘you know what, I really don’t find this fun and don’t want to play anymore’ I will consider the league officially dead. (Don’t worry, I’ll still manage leagues for anyone who is interested but Matt is the soul of the league and without him it simply wouldn’t be the same.) The other is that Matt simply cannot win the big one.

Fifteen seasons. Zero titles. But every year the man shows up, puts in a fair effort, and loses. But each successive season he dusts himself off and gets back to work again. The Vargo Cup was created to honor that spirit. It’s a championship for the rest of us. When it feels like there’s nothing left to play for, the Vargo Cup gives you one final shot at glory.

And I do view it as just that: A championship. Sure, it’s not the league championship but It’s certainly not a consolation prize. A consolation prize is something you take home, put on a shelf until you run out of room, and then take to the dump or the local Goodwill. But there’s honor in the struggle, even if that means walking away with a different prize than the one you might have initially set out to claim.

That is why I enjoy, and do my best to promote, the Vargo Cup each year. To reward the struggle and the attempt to achieve some sort of greatness even when it seems like there’s none left to achieve. For those of you who may think your season is over, know there’s still one last shot at a kind of greatness available to you and a place in the league history books to go along with it.

Postseason Update

The latest and greatest on your quest for postseason glory…

League Championship

I apologize for the sorry visual state of my brackets. I’ve never done this before! Hopefully sometime before next season I up my graphic design game and put together something a bit more pleasing to the eye. As it is, I am stuck in Bumblefuck, Tennesse (not the actual town name, but it may as well be) and familial obligations are keeping me from spending as much time doing this stuff as I like, so it is what it is. Anyway, let’s take a look at the matchups.

As was his right as the #3 seed, TRAIN STATION [DAN] decided to pick his wildcard round opponent. Unfortunately for him it didn’t matter who he picked because, as the low scoring team of the week, his championship hopes are over. It’s a shame too, because heading into the playoffs I’d have argued that Dan’s team was possibly the hottest in the league. But this time of year is utterly unforgiving to ‘off weeks’.all that it takes is a single bad week and your championship dreams are deferred.

Meanwhile, KEENANON SHAMAN [MATT S.] managed the top score of all Wildcard participants but he’s going to need a miracle to move beyond the semifinals. Chris Godwin: out for the year. Leonard Fournette: out for at least a couple of weeks. Travis Kelce: not assured to play. And, by the way, he was selected as this week’s opponent against our regular season champion KEENAN ALLEN $12 [GREG] who put up a 142-point effort during the bye week. This now serves as the FLOOR that Matt will have to clear to have a shot at victory. Anything is possible right now, but we will probably be paying our respects for Matt Steele’s 2021 squad as early as next week.

In the other matchup, THE BURNINATORS [ANDREW] managed to put up their worst score of the season at the very worst time. This team was likely doomed even if they had moved on (which would have been the case had TRAIN STATION [DAN] picked him as his opponent) because the heart of the starting lineup—Austin Ekeler and Dalvin Cook—are set to miss the week due to Covid. Ugh.

Finally, WASHINGTON GAS [MATT V.] fired it up (insert your groan at my pun here) and showed their first signs of life in weeks. Even with a weak RB group, the team has #1 scoring potential any and every week so it could be an opportunity for an upset in the semis as they match up against a HICKS [JUDE] team that set their floor for the week at an unimposing 90 points.

Vargo Cup

I don’t want to give this group short shrift since I went into what I love about the Vargo Cup in greater detail in the introduction, but I am currently sitting outside in the dark in forty-degree weather so I can have the peace and quiet to focus on writing this and…let’s just say that I’m officially beginning to lose focus! I think there’s some interesting matchups here in the semis, so I’ll do my best to go into this group in far more detail next week. But for now, some quick hit thoughts:

BALL TEAM [DON]: After the awful luck that bounced them to the Vargo Cup a bounce-back week propels them one step closer to some vindication and I think you may have to peg them as the Vargo Cup favorites now.

FREDERICK COYOTES [JONG]: Probably the single most unassuming team this year. Solid performance puts them into the semis. He’s my sentimental favorite to win this year (yes, even though I’m still in contention) because he offered to host us for a draft (outdoors, of course) sometime. THAT is dedication!

TEAM KD [KEN]: Ken did his best and it feels like a trip to the toilet bowl is too cruel a fate for a man who did the league a service by taking over a vacated squad. (Mid-draft, no less!)

DILLON’S ARMY [PAP]: The Toilet Bowl seems like the only logical conclusion for Pap’s cursed season. On the bright side: It’s almost baseball season.

Toilet Bowl

The semifinals are set. Remember that scoring LOWER is what advances you here. Win and your misery is over.

Until Next Time…

Thank you for your continued support! Good luck to everyone in our penultimate week of the 2021 season!